Why INFJs (introverts) Cut People Out Their Lives With the Door Slam

The Myers Briggs Personality archetypes identify INFJ as a personality type that comprises approximately 1% of the population. The acronym stands for introverted, iNtuitive, feeling, and judgment, and is used to describe this personality type.

Of all the traits associated with INFJ, the act of the “door slam” is perhaps the most well-known. However, the reason for its notoriety is not the physical act of closing a door, but rather what occurs leading up to the door being firmly shut.

INFJs are recognized for their willingness to invest themselves fully in a relationship once they have connected with someone. Nevertheless, if someone continues to exploit their emotional investment or subject them to relentless abuse, INFJs may eventually reach a point where they feel compelled to cut ties completely, which is often referred to as “slamming the door.” This could entail blocking phone numbers and social media links, and in rare instances, relocating without leaving a forwarding address.

INFJs are known for their tolerance and tendency to allow others to mistreat them. They possess a compassionate, empathetic, and forgiving nature, and often give people the benefit of the doubt, offering multiple chances in the hope that the person will change their behavior. INFJs hold out hope that the other person will eventually come to understand what they stand to lose and be motivated to make a genuine effort to repair the relationship.

In many cases, once the INFJ has reached the point of slamming the door, it is too late for the other person to make amends, as too much damage has already been done to the relationship. The INFJ’s aim in slamming the door is to convey this message clearly to the other person, so that they do not attempt to return and resume the relationship under false pretences.

The events that occur after the INFJ slams the door provide them with valuable insight into the state of the relationship, whether it be a friendship or a family connection. If the other person responds with silence, the INFJ will take this as confirmation that their decision was justified and that the relationship was not capable of being repaired.

INFJs are able to reach a position of emotional strength because they often go through a grieving and mourning process before the actual loss of the relationship. This helps them come to terms with the fact that the relationship they believed they had was not genuine and did not exist as they had imagined.

INFJs are introverts, which means they internally process much of what goes on around them. Therefore, if they do not feel emotionally safe with someone they may not openly express what they are thinking or feeling.

INFJs tend to process things on their own, taking their time to come to decisions in their own way. As a result, their actions may appear sudden and surprising to those around them, but in reality, these decisions have been brewing for days, weeks, or even years, having been the result of long periods of deliberation on the part of the INFJ.

Prior to resorting to the door slam, INFJs typically issue multiple warnings and make it clear to the parties involved that their behavior is not acceptable. The decision to slam the door usually arises when an INFJ has distanced themselves due to repeated and relentless harm inflicted by someone, and feels that the other party is not willing to make any effort to change.

As a result, when an INFJ decides to cut ties, they often experience a sense of liberation and feel unburdened, which enables them to move forward quickly. They may choose to eliminate all reminders of the past, and their actions may come across to others or the individual they slammed the door on as cold and calculated. However, the INFJ is only able to reach this point if the other person has been continuously cold-hearted towards them.

INFJs tend to avoid making demands of others and dictating how they should behave or treat them, particularly in romantic relationships. Instead, they hope that those who care about them will naturally demonstrate their feelings through their actions and words.

INFJs can sometimes encounter difficulties because they possess highly intuitive abilities and can read situations well. As a result, they may forget that not everyone shares this ability and may assume that others can read their minds or analyze situations as deeply as they do. When this does not occur, INFJs may withdraw and cut off contact rather than offering clues to help others understand their feelings. While INFJs are known for their compassionate nature, it may be beneficial for them to make an effort to communicate their thoughts and feelings as openly as possible before resorting to cutting ties.

INFJs could benefit from taking steps to avoid reaching a point where they feel emotionally drained, taken advantage of, or abused in their relationships. While the door slam can serve as a form of self-protection, INFJs can also attempt to recognize whether they are devoting excessive time and energy to individuals who do not value the relationship to the same extent. By distancing themselves from relationships that lack mutual respect, INFJs can avoid feeling disappointed or hurt when they do not receive the compassion and care they deserve.

Despite the severity of the door slam, in certain cases, INFJs are capable of forgiveness and may be open to allowing the individual they have cut ties with back into their lives in the future, provided that the problematic behavior has been addressed and there is no risk of returning to the same unhealthy patterns.

Occasionally, the door slam occurs only in the mind and heart of the INFJ, and they may choose to maintain contact with the individual they have considered cutting off. However, by this point, a significant change has taken place in the relationship, and the INFJ will no longer be investing the same amount of time, attention, and energy as before.

INFJs are unlikely to fully trust individuals who they have previously cut off ties with using the door slam technique. As a result, the relationship is unlikely to ever return to its previous state.

Individuals who are in a relationship with an INFJ can determine the severity of the door slam by paying attention to the manner in which it was executed. If the slam was done calmly and rationally, there is a higher likelihood that the decision has been definitively made and that there is little chance of reconciliation. Conversely, if the slam was executed hastily and in a moment of fury, there may be some room for repair in the relationship.

INFJs are more likely to use the door slam technique swiftly and decisively when someone they love and care for has been hurt. While they may allow themselves to be subjected to abuse repeatedly, they have zero tolerance for any form of mistreatment aimed at someone else.

When their loved ones are involved, INFJs will not hesitate to sever relationships that they perceive to be harmful or abusive. This protective instinct can sometimes lead them to act swiftly and without warning, making it challenging for the other party to anticipate the door slam.

Ultimately, the door slam technique is a tool that INFJs use to protect themselves and their loved ones from toxic and harmful relationships. While the door slam can seem severe to outsiders, it is a means for INFJs to set boundaries and prioritize their own emotional well-being.

INFJs have a strong desire to maintain harmony and balance in their relationships, and they will go to great lengths to preserve them. However, when they feel that their emotional safety is threatened or that their loved ones are at risk, they may resort to using the door slam as a form of self-protection.

While this can be difficult for others to understand, the door slam is ultimately a manifestation of the INFJ’s need to maintain healthy and positive relationships, both for themselves and those they care about.

Alex Myles

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Main Image Unsplash Eugenio Mazzone


    • 100% correct I’m an infj-t and reading this article just made me feel seen and learn something new about myself since I recently had to do the “door slam” to someone I was in a relationship with.

  1. That’s me too 🙂 I really do give people something like a final notice, something which they do not understand then but is the hidden reason for their behavior. It’s deep wisdom or a psychologic diagnosis.

    They never understand it when I give it to them but at some point in life after evolving in their own understanding, they remember and finally understand what was the true meaning of my ‚final notice‘ and that’s when they really go looking for me.

    When they find me then, I welcome them back with open arms but never before they evolved and understood. But those who try to cling on or come back before evolving are either dependent and have to learn to exist on their own or narcissists.

    I’m not judgemental. But I know when there is nothing I can do for another and I’m leaving because it hurts to observe a loved one torture themselves. Plus to get away from abusive energy vampires and narcissists.

    I know that when I do this I’m perceived to be an asshole and many times insulted by a collective but I have learned to not get hurt from it anymore.

    It’s like a superpower that goes unnoticed by the majority but it’s deeply appreciated by those who grow a vision for it.

    The fun part: I just went from a 2%er to a 1%er due to this article. But please don’t do that. Don’t measure us. People read it and distort it due to their perception of measurement.

    I’m off the 100% – we’re just all walking towards the same destination on different paths of which not one is a shortcut but may appear as if.

    Thank you for this article.

    • While reading your comment, it honestly seemed as if the person writing it had been randomly plucking my secret thoughts over the spam of my lifetime…
      It’s as if I wrote this and forgot…

  2. This is fun for me, as I have just recently done that – again. And tried to explain myself to my husband for doing it.

    Every time I leave a person for good, I let them know why. And, depending on how I feel for them, leave them with a piece of wisdom they do not understand (yet).

    I do so, because I observe everyone long enough to see which vail is covering their Vision and leave when I find them holding on to it with extreme and often destructive force. There’s simply nothing to do for those who do not want to see or to be seen.

    When I find people like that, I leave them to proceed on their own path, so they evolve or do not. It’s their free will and nothing to interfere with due to universal law.

    Those who do evolve however, remember the message, receive it finally and go looking for me with a heart overflowing with love. They will always find me waiting and welcoming them back with open arms. Experience has proven this to me and played out as mentioned many times. I know who those people in my life are.

    While those who just won’t accept my decision — as they are perceiving it as an act of evilness and tend to come after me violently — reveal themselves as Dependents who still need to find the light in themselves or in worst case abusive energy vampires and narcissists. Individuals I do not welcome because they drain me actively and distract me from my own path. Something I cannot allow no matter the love.

    You see, I’m always a bad person due to most common understanding but only I know what I truly am and only I can protect it. This Awareness allows me to accept the blame and to face the violence wherever I go and to leave without bitterness or hatred as I move on. There’s no condemnation and judgement from my side at all.

  3. This explains my personality type since I was a child. I left toxic family relationships young. I have left many false friendships, unfulfilling jobs and abusive boyfriends. People have free will. They know how they ate treating you. If they don’t appreciate your presence, grace them with your absence.

  4. I don’t understand why they don’t believe what we tell them? Especially when we show them the proof. I get tired of being used and lied too. I cut 2 out this year already for it. I hate being used and lied to. It hurts more than anything in the end.

  5. I think we just need to be alone. I find it nearly impossible to find a partner who is adequate and I have left many relationships due to this – giving so many chances for them to correct their behaviors first and wasting so much time in the process. It’s a hard life emotionally being an INFJ.

  6. I highly agree. I am a Infj and I have as gone as far as no contact and block the individual, to protect myself from further harm and recharge my batteries , as they, are so draining , especially for narrassitic people

  7. Very true. Every single word describes me. I am slowly claiming & embracing my powers as an empath. Never knew for years I was one until the age of 21…& I’ve never looked back.

  8. Wow. I’m in shock as to how this completely explains me better than I could explain this myself. I feel like I finally “met someone” who gets me – and it’s an article! lol!

  9. this is exactly me I’m 50 n just had my personality personal life the shit I’m dealing w summed up in 4 letters in INFJ…ME THANKS

  10. I’ve definitely learned something in there I think I’m a door Slammer and I’ve been dealing with a narcissistic pathological liar forgiving over and over and over again I think one year a being lenient is more than enough so I’m in the fuck it fuck you and good fucking luck with that barrel of Karma and Crow that shows up at your front door cuz they’re all that’s going to be hard to choke down as I lay on the ground and roll around howling with laughter


  11. this is me. cannot believe there is only 1% of us out there…to be frank, I just want to live surrounded by that 1%! But the universe always knows what’s best…

  12. This is a good outline of an INFJ – the best i’ve come across, though I find some of the terminology limiting. ❤️

  13. What if the door slam was because they perceived no future due to outside uncontrollable circumstances (his teenage daughters not wanting him to date and his need to mend the broken relationship with them) that he felt were never going to be resolved therefore our relationship, despite quite possibly being a twin flame situation. To INFJs sacrifice themselves for the well-being of others(daughters). He hasn’t slammed the door completely but our relationship is not the same, a decision he made on his own weeks before discussing with me, mind already made up.

  14. So true! The lesson for me was to stop tolerating shallow, hurtful personalities around me. Poor boundaries caused me self harm for 70 years.

  15. I am ISTJ, and this is moderately close to my response. The only difference I see is that once the door is closed, that’s it. An opportunity for redemption/reconciliation is highly unlikely. I never understood my reaction, but this explains thins well!

  16. I am an ESTJ and what you described is exactly who I am. Is it possible that my Meyers-Briggs score is wrong?

  17. Omg this is so me, why should we continue with wasted efforts on people then they don’t even give it back, I’m an infj.

  18. I have always considered myself to be an INFP, but after reading this I can see that I may be wrong. I completely understood and agreed with every point. Never have I seen myself so accurately described. Thank you for laying this all out and helping me make sense of myself.

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