I know I’m a lot for some. I am a restless force of unusual love and my beating heart rips through my veins.
I’m not easy to love, apparently.
I remember it well, you said, it was because I felt “much too much.”
And sometimes, I guess, people can’t cope with feeling people. They don’t understand those who love skin, bone and soul deep.
I get it, sort of.
But, please don’t ever tell others they are “too much” and please, please don’t say it in a way that will make them feel as though they are wrong for owning a heart that bleeds.
I can take your harsh condemnations. I have gotten somewhat used to it.
However, once there was a time when comments like yours made me wrap up my too much love and hide it far from the rest of the world. I was wary to unleash my love and I became afraid to tell people how I felt
But now I understand, not everyone loves like I do. Some people want smaller, more controlled love. They aren’t familiar with too much warmth.
Though, there are others who adore and reciprocate this kind of love.
So, although your bite didn’t sting too much, there are people out there who will take your words and believe them to be true. They will desensitize themselves and shrink-wrap their comet-like heart to try to please you and believe me they will suffocate in their denial of love.
It isn’t wrong to own a raw heart. It is not shameful to love without limit.
It doesn’t make a person weak or damaged or crazy.
It’s courageous and brave to love this way.
It isn’t desperate when someone shows their cards and plays it straight instead of trying to gain advantage with tricks and mind games.
Nor does it mean they are a loose cannon frantically bolstering towards an altar in an attempt to commit to you for life.
Quite the opposite. This chaotic kind of love will never attempt to bind or tie.
Just because you don’t feel equipped to hold that much love, if it appears again, try not to just dismiss it, lose yourself in it temporarily and explore.
Those infinitely loving people with hearts that you think are too big, you see, they belong to nothing and no one. There is no need to be afraid. They ask for nothing and offer everything.
My Dear “almost” love, please understand, hearts that love without reason cannot contain themselves. They ache too much when they are kept locked safe on the inside. They will eventually crack and crumble and their love will eventually spill out.
So, whatever you do, please don’t lock up hearts just because you don’t love to love in a “too much” way. Throw away your heart-locking key.
If you don’t want an extraordinary, breathless, unforgettable love, then that’s okay; you can look, walk or run far away. Instead find someone who already layers their ribcage with indestructible bulletproof shields.
Maybe you will say they are not enough, or they might love the right amount, or you may still tell them they are too much.
Or maybe, if it isn’t love, they will be “too much” something else.
You found my love undesirable and for a million or more reasons, and I found you desirable. However, I desire to love this way so much more than the desires I had for you.
I have spent way too much of my lifetime tragically covering and masking my “too much” heart so that other people didn’t notice or feel the strength of my love.
Not any more.
I’m not sorry that I loved your petrified heart “too much.”
I have not one regret. I don’t know any other way to love.
My heart spoke a language you just couldn’t, and wouldn’t, try to understand.
Although, occasionally, in the midst of a starlit night, I wonder…
When you said you couldn’t love me…
Was it really that you thought I felt “too much”?
Or was it simply because you didn’t, and couldn’t, feel enough?
Either way, whenever my heart is full to the brim with all this love, I smile to myself and think: “What a beautiful existence and what a way to be remembered, as the girl cast aside and unloved by you, when all that was offered was too much love.
Writing: Alex Myles
Main Image pixabay cocoparisienne